TALKING TITTY FUCK-HER MASTURBATOR

Lately, Masturbation Toys are experiencing a high-tech renaissance of sorts, with clean designs and Apple aesthetics. In sharp contrast, this Talking Titty Fuck-Her looks like something created by an alien who’s never seen a woman but got a vague description from Reddit.

Legend has it, that if you ride the ferris wheel at Chornobyl’s abandoned theme park, a sad clown will appear and hand it to you. You’ll turn it on and hear it softly moan “DO YOU LIKE MY BUBBLE BUTT?” But where are its vocal cords? You try to ask the clown but he’s already disintegrated into a cloud of fallout.

You scream.

KALI'S TEETH FEMDOM CBT DEVICE

If you think ball stretchers and chastity cages look uncomfortable, this Kali's Teeth CBT Device will literally tell you to drop your pants and hold its beer. Are you protectively cupping your genitals and wondering who is the target market for this thing?

Oh my sweet summer child, let's go back to 2006's cinematic Tour de Force, "Snakes On A Plane." In the infamous bathroom scene, a snake clamps its teeth on the most sensitive part of a hapless man's anatomy. Certainly not the most graphic moment in cinematic history, but one that made 99% of all penis-owners wince (and the remaining 1% say "Yep, I'd TOTALLY pay for that.") 

HELLBOUND DEVIL TAIL BUTT PLUG

"MAYBE TODAY, SATAN!"
Sinner, dost thou unrepentant asshole demand a Hellish offering? Enjoy the fiery dart of the wicked one with this Hellbound Devil Tail Plug! Designed to summon the Dark Lord where the sun doesn't shine, Hellbound features a silicone plug connected to a pointed leather whip made for a-whippin' and a-prickin'.

A sodomites dream, we can't think of a better way to let people know that you went to Catholic School and hated every minute of it. Aside from the Devil Tail Plug's obvious merits, it also earns the worthy distinction of "Product Least Likely To Be featured At Hobby Lobby." That alone gets us hot and bothered.

OXBALLS WATERSPORTS STRAP-ON GAG

So urine to Urophagia? Obey your thirst with this Watersports Strap-On Gag. Of all the hopes and dreams your Mother had for you, we're guessing "HUMAN URINAL" wasn't at the top of the list. But who are we to kink shame?

Statistics show that the popularity of piss-play exploded in 2017 after it was "leaked" that one particular President enjoyed watersports.

Besides, aren't we always told to pursue our passions to live a more fulfilling life? Instead of Craft Beer or Crypto, your passion just happens to be turning your face into a toilet: Unbothered, moisturized, in your lane, well-hydrated, flourishing. Cheers!

TENTACLE DILDOS

Gather round, Gen Y, and let me tell you a terrible tale of a world without internet. Oh, that sexually frustrating time when SHAME ruled our erotic landscape, when masturbation wasn't fit for casual conversation, and we didn't have the luxury of having our fetishes explained to us by nerdy bloggers.

Then, the internet happened, thus flooding our dopamine-hungry brains with glorious porn, sexting, camming, cat memes, and Hentai, which brings us to the COCKTOPUS genre. If tentacle porn is what you need to get your synapses firing, these Cthulu-Style Cocks will blow your Millenial mind, or at least distract you from the fact you'll never afford a home.

ACCOMODATOR ORAL DILDO

Ready to turn up the cringe-factor? Introducing the Accomodator Oral Dildo. Weird? Not exactly, but this chin-propelled sex toy is more awkward than a Fortnite Dance Battle starring your Mom. It's what Boomers imagine "kinky sex" looks like, or something that should be collecting dust on the back rack of a North Dakota Spencers (which is basically the same thing.)

Now here's where it gets interesting: People love it. No, really. If you're trying to bone up on your lady-licking skills you can use this toy to stimulate her vagina and lick her clit at the same time. And, you can brag about your great chin-etics.

Ba-Dum-Bum-CHING!

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

- Hunter S. Thompson