HOW TO CLEAN A SEX DOLL: THE COMPLETE CARE GUIDE

TAKE CARE OF YOUR INVESTMENT.

You wouldn't buy an Aston Martin and run it through the cheapest car wash in town. The same principle applies when you've spent several thousand dollars on a sex doll.

Unfortunately, a surprising amount of doll-care advice boils down to “wash gently with mild soap and water.” Come on. That's not a cleaning guide. You need to know how to protect the material, the finish and all those expensive little details that made you want her in the first place. You also need to know how to clean the vagina and anus because, presumably, you are a civilized human being and not a filthy basement dweller.

BEFORE YOU GET HER WET

Before cleaning, remove the wig and clothing, and take out any removable vaginal insert (if she has one).

For routine body cleaning, use a soft, damp cloth to wipe down the skin, paying particular attention to sweat, body oils and lubricant. For a more thorough cleaning—or to address sweat or odor—apply a toy-safe cleaner first, then gently wipe the skin clean with the damp cloth. Don't scrub.

THE HOLE THING

There are two basic setups here, and how you clean them is different.

IF SHE HAS A REMOVABLE VAGINA/ANUS INSERT

Remove the insert completely. Hold the canal under warm running water and flush water all the way through it until any lubricant, semen and other residue have been washed out. A regular faucet works; a kitchen sink sprayer is even better because you can direct the water through the entire length of the canal.

Add a small amount of mild soap or toy-safe cleaner, gently work it through the inside and outside of the insert, then flush it thoroughly again with clean warm water. Keep rinsing until the water runs clear and no cleaner or residue remains.

IF SHE HAS FIXED OPENINGS

This is where an irrigator or douche earns its place in your cleaning kit. Fill it with warm—not hot—water and a small amount of mild soap or compatible toy cleaner, insert the nozzle gently into the vagina or anus, and flush the entire canal. Repeat as necessary to remove lubricant, semen and other residue.

Then refill the irrigator with clean water and flush again. Keep going until the rinse water comes back clear and there's no soap or residue remaining.

For the mouth, use the same basic principle, but position the head so the mouth faces downward and the water can drain back out, rather than running farther into the head. We're cleaning her mouth, not waterboarding the poor girl.

NOW GET HER DRY.

Once she's clean, gently pat the outside dry with a soft, absorbent towel. Don't rub or scrub the skin, and don't reach for a hair dryer. Heat can damage TPE and silicone.

The inside needs a little more attention.

IF SHE HAS A REMOVABLE INSERT

Let as much water as possible drain from the canal, then leave the insert out of the doll in a well-ventilated place until it is completely dry inside and out. Don't turn it inside out to speed things along; all that unnecessary stretching can damage the soft material.

IF SHE HAS FIXED OPENINGS

Position the opening downward and let gravity drain as much water as possible. For moisture remaining deeper inside, use a purpose-made sex-doll drying stick or absorbent drying rod. Insert it gently and let it absorb the remaining water. If the canal is still damp when you remove it, repeat with a fresh, dry stick.

And no, do not jam a washcloth up her vagina. Besides being a remarkably undignified end to date night, forcing fabric into a soft, textured canal can stress the material and leave fibers behind. Drying rods exist for a reason.

Once the bulk of the water is gone, good ventilation or cool airflow can finish the job. Never use a hot hair dryer, heater or other heat source to hurry things along.

Don't dress her, reinstall a removable insert or put her into storage until everything you've cleaned is completely dry.

SILICONE OR TPE? KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WASHING.

Most full-size sex dolls are made from either silicone or TPE. Silicone is considerably more expensive, which can also give you a pretty good clue about what you bought.

If you paid several thousand dollars for your doll, there's a good chance you know exactly what she's made of. If you paid $700 and the seller somehow neglected to mention the material, it ain't silicone, Buddy.

Fortunately, you don't need two entirely different cleaning routines. Both silicone and TPE can be cleaned with warm water and mild soap or a toy-safe cleaner, followed by a thorough rinse and complete drying.

Silicone is nonporous, more resistant to staining and generally more durable. TPE is porous, softer and more susceptible to staining and surface damage. But whether she's made of silicone, TPE or Play-Doh, treat her gently. Sex dolls are expensive, and aggressive scrubbing isn't doing either material—or its finish—any favors.

Silicone can take more abuse, but don't take that as a challenge. The finish is another matter entirely. Makeup, eyebrows, nipples, body shading and other painted details can be damaged long before the silicone underneath them is. The doll may survive your enthusiasm while her eyebrows do not.

THE STICKY ICKY

If your doll's skin has started feeling tacky or gummy, don't assume she's dirty and start washing her more aggressively. This is particularly common with TPE, which can lose that dry, silky surface feel over time.

First, look at what you're using on her. Water-based lubricant is the safest choice for both TPE and silicone dolls. Silicone lubricant can actually dissolve some soft materials, including some formulations of TPE and silicone. Unless the manufacturer specifically says your doll is compatible with it, don't risk it. Buying the right bottle of lube is considerably cheaper than replacing a damaged doll.

Once she's clean and completely dry, a little powder can help restore that smooth, non-sticky feel. Plain cornstarch works, or you can use a talc-free Toy Renewal Powder.

DON'T SCRUB HER FACE OFF.

Cleaning a sex doll's face requires considerable delicacy, so the easiest way to avoid damaging it is obvious: don't get her face dirty in the first place.

Sex doll manufacturers spend countless hours implanting individual eyelashes, applying expert makeup and creating the face that probably made you choose her in the first place. Why would you want to turn one of her most valuable assets into a Jackson Pollock painting?

But faces occasionally need cleaning. When hers does, use a soft, damp cloth and a very light touch. Don't scrub, soak or run her face under the faucet. Work carefully around the eyes, eyelashes and brows, and avoid rubbing heavily painted areas. If water alone isn't enough, use a small amount of mild soap or toy-safe cleaner on the cloth rather than applying it directly to her face.

Pat away any remaining moisture with a soft towel and let the face finish drying naturally before replacing the wig.

DON'T LET HER BORROW YOUR BLACK T-SHIRT.

One of the easiest ways to permanently discolor a sex doll has nothing to do with sex. Dark clothing and wigs can transfer dye directly onto the skin, particularly with TPE.

Wash new clothing before putting it on your doll, especially dark or heavily dyed fabrics. If you're unsure about something, don't leave it pressed against her skin for hours while you find out. The same goes for dark wigs: a wig cap helps create a barrier between the wig and the doll's head and face.

If you notice color transfer, deal with it sooner rather than later. Start with the same gentle cleaning method we've already covered rather than attacking the stain with alcohol, bleach or household stain remover. If ordinary cleaning doesn't remove it, stop there—the next step depends on the doll's material and the type of stain, and getting aggressive can turn a small discoloration into permanent damage.

TAKE CARE OF HER.

A good sex doll can last for years, but she needs a little help from you. Keep her clean, get her completely dry, use products that won't damage the material, and treat the delicate details with some respect. None of this is particularly difficult, and considering what you paid for her, it's worth doing right.

Besides, there are certain things a civilized man should never need to be told twice. Wash your hands. Change your sheets. Clean your sex doll.