"CALM YOUR TITS" Soy Wax Candle

CALM YOUR TITS.
A candle for people who are doing entirely too much.

Sometimes life gets loud. People get dramatic. Group chats spiral. That’s when it’s time to light the Calm Your Tits Candle — a gentle, scented reminder to take a breath, unclench your jaw, and maybe shut the hell up for five minutes.

This is the candle you gift to the friend who’s always spiraling, the coworker who needs to relax, your spouse, or yourself — because honestly, same.

Equal parts soothing and insulting, it delivers peace, quiet, and a very clear message without you having to say a word.

Scent Profile

Smells like a summer rain kissing orange blossoms and orchids, with a soft breeze through fresh-cut grass.
Clean, fresh, lightly sweet — like nature’s perfume, not a bath bomb attack.

Key Features

100% soy wax candle, hand-poured in Lancaster, Pennsylvania (yes, Amish country)

8 oz candle with a rustic, artisanal look

40+ hour burn time for extended calm-down sessions

Clean-burning, non-toxic ingredients

Perfect gag gift for friends, coworkers, family, or anyone who needs to relax immediately

Important Notes (Read This, Seriously)

This candle is for decoration and novelty use only.

Do NOT use internally or externally.

Not a massage candle. Not a drip candle. Not lube. Absolutely not lube.

Wax gets hot. Wax gets stiff. Use common sense.

Candles do not expire, but for best scent strength, burn within 1–2 years and keep the lid closed when not in use.

Why You Want It
Because sometimes the most loving thing you can say is “calm your tits” — politely, with ambiance.

Sleazy Greetings
Sleazy Greetings is where sentiment meets shameless. We make cards for people who love each other, roast each other, and send screenshots to the group chat. From unhinged inside jokes to brutally honest “are you okay?” energy, our cards prove one thing: life’s too short for boring stationery and polite little lies.

If you’re looking for wholesome… maybe don’t start here.