Dick Polish Masturbation Cream

Dick Polish is what you buy for the unapologetic wanker in your life. This thick, oil-based stroking cream doesn’t just validate their love of masturbation — it literally rubs it in. With its camo label, ridiculous name, and over-the-top attitude, it’s the perfect gift to toss at your porn-obsessed buddy or shameless lover and then watch them chuckle… before quietly vanishing into their man cave for the next few hours.

They’ll laugh. Then they’ll try it. Then you’re never getting it back.

Under the joke is a formula that actually knows what it’s doing. Dick Polish is designed to melt at body temperature, turning into a slick, glossy, long-lasting glide that keeps things smooth even when someone is putting in overtime. It won’t dry out halfway through the mission, and it helps prevent chafing from whack attacks, full-frontal assaults, and any other enthusiastic campaigns their hands decide to launch.

So yes, it’s funny. But it also quietly saves them from committing a war crime against their penis. That’s what makes it such a perfect gag gift — you get the laugh, and they get something that actually makes their life better.

Key Features

When spit and courage aren’t enough, Fuck Water shows up. Proudly made in the USA and FDA 510(k) certified, this brand focuses on high-quality, body-safe formulas designed for serious, no-nonsense performance when it actually matters.