Sexual Apocalypse Imminent: We Ride at Dawn

Every now and then, a piece of hate mail comes along that just… blesses us. This one reads like it was faxed directly from the Book of Revelations:

“Your store is POISON! You are using immorality and liberal feminism to destroy the institution of marriage. As a Christian woman I feel that sex toys, fornication and masteraction is the wages of sin. Therefore repent and turn back, so that your sins may be wiped out — Acts 3:19.”

— Anonymous

“Mastercation”? Incredible. We’re so busy “mastercating” we barely have time to destroy family values. Really, we're flattered. Not everyone gets accused of single-handedly toppling marriage before breakfast. Apparently, a few vibrators and a healthy sense of self-worth are all it takes to unleash the Sexual Apocalypse. And if that’s the case… We’ll see you at dawn, Sister Wives. Hoods come in black, crimson, or fuchsia — accessorize as the spirit moves you.

Let’s be real: we live in Texas, where bodily autonomy is something men get at birth and women have to smuggle in through customs. So if a pink bullet vibrator is enough to scare the patriarchy, maybe it’s time to start stockpiling them in a bunker — prepper-style.

Meanwhile, in the Holy Republic of Texas...

Because irony never sleeps, Texas lawmakers are once again trying to outlaw the very thing they can’t stop obsessing over — (You know, like trans people.)

Two new bills — Senate Bill 3003 and House Bill 1549 — aim to make sexual wellness illegal in everything but name. SB 3003, filed by State Sen. Angela Paxton (yes, that Angela Paxton — wife of Attorney General Ken Paxton), targets online retailers, making it a crime to sell sex toys unless they can somehow qualify as a “sexually oriented business.” HB 1549, filed by State Rep. Hillary Hickman of Midland, would extend that ban to any mainstream retailer — meaning Walmart, Target, and CVS could sell shotguns, but not vibrators.

Translation: they don’t want to regulate sex toys. They want to ban them.

Let’s be clear about what’s really obscene here. Apparently, vibrating bullets are a moral threat — but hollow-point bullets? Those are family values. Because in Texas, we don’t regulate weapons of war. We regulate orgasms. Because we’ve got to protect the children — the same ones practicing active shooter drills at school.

This isn’t even new. In 2008, Texas courts upheld a ban on the sale of “obscene devices,” arguing that protecting public morals outweighed personal freedom. And yet here we are, fifteen years later, recycling the same dusty moral panic under a new coat of lipstick and scripture.

The kicker? The state that can’t keep its power grid running wants to outlaw rechargeable pleasure. That's the power of Freedom, Baby.

Bless Their Hearts (and Their Fear of Female Pleasure)

We’re not shocked, just disappointed — though in Texas, that’s practically the same thing. The same folks who shout about “small government” want to regulate what goes in your nightstand drawer. And the people preaching “family values” seem deeply concerned that someone, somewhere, might be having a better time alone than in their marriage.

If bodily autonomy were a rodeo, Texas would’ve shot the horse and fined the clown.

At TabuToys, we’ve been “poisoning the institution of marriage” since 1990 — and somehow, the world keeps spinning.
We don’t sell sin. We sell curiosity, laughter, and a healthy disrespect for double standards.

So, to our anonymous prophet and every pearl-clutcher in the legislature:
Thank you for your prophecy. We’re doing our best to make it come true.

Blessed be the freaks.

Love,

Tabutoys