Your Star Sign Sex Style: A Filthy Zodiac Guide

Because astrology may not be real — but your kinks sure are.

Need to get the astrological deets before you hit the sheets? Congratulations, you’re part of the problem — and we adore you for it. Astrology is basically Tinder for narcissists, and yet… somehow, it works.

We’ll decode the quirks, expose the tendencies, and shamelessly suggest a few best sex toys for each zodiac sign along the way. Because yes, the stars may be infinite — but we sell sex toys, and someone’s gotta pay the hosting bill.

ARIES: Wham-Bam-Thank You, Ma’am (March 21 – April 19)

The control freak of the Zodiac, Aries flirts with all the subtlety of a jackhammer. Once they’ve marked you for conquest, it’s less seduction, more siege warfare. Aries doesn’t “woo” — they win.

They burn hot, fast, and impatiently. If you want romance, call a Taurus. If you want to break a bed frame, call an Aries. They’re competitive lovers with the stamina of an Olympic sprinter and the emotional range of a hand grenade. Forget playing hard to get — just grab your ankles and hold on.

Best Sex Toys for Aries: Skip the warm-up acts. Aries needs something with horsepower — like a Magic Wand or a Thrusting Toy — tools for those who believe foreplay is optional.

TAURUS: The Slow Burn (April 20 – May 20)

Want to play with a Taurus? Slow your roll. Taurus doesn’t rush. They marinate. They simmer. They’ll seduce you with a glass of wine, three candles, and an offer to cook something “simple” that takes four hours.

Once you get past the velvet rope of their trust issues, you’ll discover a deeply sensual lover who treats foreplay like a competitive sport. They might seem old-fashioned, but make no mistake — Taurus is a pleasure maximalist.

Best Sex Toys for Taurus: Sensual, tactile toys are the jam - (because they're all about texture) - but scented candles and massage oils will give this sign a romance boner. Bonus points if you bring a charcuterie board.

GEMINI: Freak Nasty (May 21 – June 20)

Before dating a Gemini, ask yourself if polyamory is right for you. These air signs are walking chaos wrapped in a charm bomb. They’ll talk you into bed, talk you through it, and then talk to someone else immediately after.

Magnetic, clever, and chronically indecisive, they’re the reason Facebook invented “It’s complicated.” A Gemini doesn’t cheat — they call it networking.

Best Sex Toys for Gemini: They crave variety and stimulation (mental and otherwise). Try dual-motor vibes or couples’ toys that can switch modes faster than they can change moods. Waterproof sheets strongly advised — and maybe a bottle of toy cleaner, since Geminis are known for sharing... everything.

CANCER: Undercover Kink (June 21 – July 22)

Soft shell, filthy core. Cancers may present as the sweet, homebody type — but once you get inside that cozy crab shell, you’ll find a dungeon and a Pinterest board titled “BDSM Rope Ideas.”

They love intimacy, trust, and emotional eye contact… preferably while you’re tied to their headboard. Don’t let the sensitivity fool you — they’re sentimental and a little sadistic.

Best Sex Toys for Cancer: They love nesting — and experimenting in comfort. Bring in the erotic furniture, lube, and sex machines that cater to this homebody's need for comfort and kinky fuckery.

LEO: Beast Mode (July 23 – August 22)

The question isn’t if they have a sex tape — it’s how many. You know that scene in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman points at himself in the mirror while having sex? 100% Leo.

Leos don’t just perform — they produce. Every hookup is a show. They’re demanding, dazzling, and impossible to ignore, and they expect a five-star review when they’re done. Compliment their technique, and you might just get a repeat performance.

Best Sex Toys for Leo: Gold, glitter, or go home. Try this 24K Gold Dildo for a little star-quality bling, or a Clone-A-Willy Kit for the penis-having Leo who wants to immortalize themselves (because of course they do.)

VIRGO: The Sexy Librarian (August 23 – September 22)

Virgos intellectualize everything — even sex. They read the instructions, sanitize the toy, and plan your orgasm like a corporate merger. But once they trust you, the clipboard drops, and they’re surprisingly filthy in the best possible way.

They’ll analyze every gasp and moan like data, because to Virgo, perfection is foreplay.

Best Sex Toys for Virgo: They love efficiency and cleanliness. Keep it simple with Sensuelle’s Point Bullet and a curated lube bar that would make Martha Stewart proud.

LIBRA: White Gloves (September 23 – October 22)

Charming, witty, and indecisive as hell — Libra will flirt with you, your friend, and the waiter, just to see who compliments their outfit first. They crave balance, beauty, and constant validation, which makes them exhausting and irresistible in equal measure.

They don’t like it rough, but they do like to be admired — so bring your manners and your best angles.

Best Sex Toys for Libra: Luxe, color-coordinated, and aesthetically flawless — just like she pretends her life is. Try the Zalo Bess or Le Wand Double Vibe to tickle her fancier aspirations (and her clitoris).

SCORPIO: Resistance Is Futile (October 23 – November 21)

How do you know someone’s a Scorpio? Don’t worry — they’ll tell you.
Dark, magnetic, and slightly unhinged, Scorpios are the human embodiment of “safe word pending.” They don’t do casual — they do carnal possession.

They’ll ruin your life in bed, and you’ll thank them for it.

Best Sex Toys for Scorpio: They love power play, emotional edge, and REVENGE. Think cock & ball torture, chastity, remote-control vibrators, or anything that comes with a lock — metaphorical or otherwise. You might need an icepack.

SAGITTARIUS: Down To Clown (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius is the Zodiac’s human hookup app. Goofy, adventurous, and permanently half-dressed, they’ll charm you with wanderlust and disappear with your hoodie.

They’re thrill-seekers with short attention spans — foreplay is fine, but spontaneity is better. Expect a lot of laughter, some gymnastic surprises, and a polite “so… we’re cool, right?” afterward.

Best Sex Toys for Sagittarius: Go portable — travel-friendly vibrators and portable products are best for those quick getaways outside your bedroom window.

CAPRICORN: Pumpkin Spice (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns get a bad rap for being vanilla, but here’s the secret: they’re just selective about who sees the whipped cream. They’ll make you work for it, but watch out, they'll see right through your bullshit. When they finally do let go, the sex will be intense, organized, and oddly efficient.

They’ll text you a Google Calendar invite for your next hookup. It’ll be worth it.

Best Sex Toys for Capricorn: Practical, durable, reliable gear from high-end brands like Le Wand or We-Vibe — anything with a warranty and a manual (which they will absolutely read).

AQUARIUS: Loving the Alien (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius doesn’t do normal. They don’t do people, period. They’re too busy designing an app to replace them. But when they decide you’re worth engaging, you’ll experience sex that feels like a TED Talk on quantum pleasure.

They’re kinky in the way that involves spreadsheets, Bluetooth, and zero emotional vulnerability.

Best Sex Toys for Aquarius: Tech-driven and innovative. App-controlled teledildonics from Kiiroo or Lovense are perfect — they get the intimacy of connection without all that pesky touching.

PISCES: The Cosplayer (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces is here to feel something — preferably everything, all at once. They can’t separate love and lust, which makes them tender, unhinged, and a little too good at role-play. They are the reason Furry Conventions were a thing.

You haven’t lived until you’ve been seduced by someone wearing elf ears and apologizing for their feelings mid-thrust.

Best Sex Toys for Pisces: Submissive, imaginative, and always game. Go for bondage toys, sensory play, or something theatrical that will help them act out their latest erotic fever dream.

And There You Have It:

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations — you’ve officially been read by the stars and roasted by the internet. And if you’re truly committed to cosmic self-discovery, check out our Zodiac Vibes Collection — twelve star-signed vibrators, each perfectly aligned with your poor choices.

Because the stars have seen what you’re into — and it’s... a lot.