Get Hallo-Weird With Our Top 7 Scary Sex Toys

Horror-Nerds, Gird your loins - Halloween is officially on its way! In honor of the spooky season, we’ve rounded up our TOP 7 SCARY SEX TOYS. These obscure, bizarre, and terrifying objects will surely satisfy your morbid curiosity. Grab your popcorn and enjoy the show!

Cyclone Alien Stroker

"Take Me To Your Breeder."

We’ve all seen this Sci-Fi trope before: Hot Alien Chick #1 attempts to “harvest” DNA of Human Male #2. Interspecies fuckery ensues, yet still manages to look like a sex scene from Grandma’s fave soap opera. Sure, it’s a worn-out cliché, but your dick doesn’t think so. Hopefully this masturbator doesn't have teeth.

BORG Penis Sheath

"You Have Entered The Collective."

Prepare for assimilation: Resistance is futile. Oh wait – did you think we were the Borg? We’re NERDS, and if you don’t get on board with our obscure Star Trek references, you can say goodbye to your credit score. Put on your dick sleeve, Geek. We’re going to Comic-Con.

Giant Monster Dildo

"DRAIN THE SWAMP!"

Seasons don’t fear the Reaper, but they should fear this thing. Weighing in at 84 pounds and standing 3 feet tall, this Swamp Monster is somehow less slimy than your average politician. And at only $2000 bucks, this one’s a real bargain. MONSTER DILDO FOR PRESIDENT!

Venom Dildo

"You Poisonous Prick!"

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble, this dick will make your cauldron bubble with its unholy girth and wicked crown of spikes - yes, SPIKES. Bring some lube and Pepto-Bismol along on your date with the dark side. Much like your toxic Ex, this thing should probably come with a warning label.

Ass-To-Mouth Ball Gag

"Great Body, BUTT-HER Face!"

Hey, how HOT was the Human Centipede? The only appropriate answer is “Not at all, you MONSTER!” Anyway, take a gander at this medical experiment gone wrong. Sure, the whole butt-mouth thing does seem a bit grotesque, but the Kardashians pioneered this look and now we all have to accept it.

Realistic Foot Stroker

"Toes Before Bros."

Doing some sole searching? Sex toys molded from actual human body parts are a dime a dozen, but this masturbator takes foot worship to horrifying new levels. Keep one stashed in the fridge during your next Halloween party and provide your nosier guests with a Daumer-level surprise.

Squirting Centaur Dildo

"Watch Me Neigh, Neigh."

Need more horsepower? We don’t know what kind of unstable fantasies inspired this thing, but it must have been a real nightmare. Which begs the eternal question: Is a Centaur’s genitalia located in the front or the back? This horse dick’s suction-cup base will let you decide.