Get Hallo-Weird With Our Top 7 Scary Sex Toys

Horror nerds, gird your loins—Halloween is officially on its way! And while everyone else is dusting off the plastic skeletons and arguing about whether The Exorcist still holds up, we’ve been exploring a much stranger corner of the internet.

In honor of spooky season, we’ve rounded up our TOP 7 SCARY SEX TOYS—obscure, bizarre, deeply questionable objects that range from mildly unsettling to JESUS CHRIST, WHY DOES IT HAVE A FACE?

Are they sexy? That may be beside the point. Are they terrifying? Oh, absolutely.

So dim the lights, grab your popcorn, and prepare to meet seven sex toys guaranteed to satisfy your morbid curiosity.

Monster Mutant Alien Stroker

“Take Me To Your Breeder.”

We’ve all seen this Sci-Fi trope before: Hot Alien Chick #1 attempts to “harvest” DNA of Human Male #2. Interspecies fuckery ensues, yet still manages to look like a sex scene from Grandma’s fave soap opera. Sure, it’s a worn-out cliché, but your dick doesn’t think so. Hopefully this masturbator doesn't have teeth.

BORG Penis Sheath

“You Have Entered The Collective.”

Prepare for assimilation: Resistance is futile. Oh wait – did you think we were the Borg? We’re NERDS, and if you don’t get on board with our obscure Star Trek references, you can say goodbye to your credit score. Put on your dick sleeve, Geek. We’re going to Comic-Con.

Giant Monster Dildo

“DRAIN THE SWAMP!”

Seasons don’t fear the Reaper, but they should fear this thing. Weighing in at 84 pounds and standing 3 feet tall, the Swamp Monster makes a pretty compelling argument for draining the swamp. Then again, he’s huge, grotesque and costs $2,000, so he may already be an elected official. MONSTER DILDO FOR PRESIDENT.

Darth Vader Dildo

“THE EMPIRE FUCKS BACK.”

Somewhere, George Lucas just felt a disturbance in the Force. Standing 15 inches tall and dressed in full Sith regalia, Darth Invader answers the question nobody asked: What if Darth Vader were mostly dick? He’s got the helmet. He’s got the cape. He’s got three inches of Dark Side girth. Disney’s lawyers will be arriving shortly.

Ass-To-Mouth Ball Gag

“Great Body, BUTT-HER Face!”

Hey, how HOT was the Human Centipede? The only appropriate answer is “Not at all, you MONSTER!” Anyway, take a gander at this medical experiment gone wrong. Sure, the whole butt-mouth thing does seem a bit grotesque, but the Kardashians pioneered this look and now we all have to accept it.

Realistic Foot Stroker

“Toes Before Bros.”

Doing some sole searching? Sex toys molded from actual human body parts are a dime a dozen, but this masturbator takes foot worship to horrifying new levels. Keep one stashed in the fridge during your next Halloween party and provide your nosier guests with a Dahmer-level surprise. 

Squirting Centaur Dildo

“Watch Me Neigh, Neigh.”

Need more horsepower? We don’t know what kind of unstable fantasies inspired this thing, but it must have been a real nightmare. Which begs the eternal question: Is a Centaur’s genitalia located in the front or the back? This horse dick’s suction-cup base will let you decide.

Okay, we know we said seven—but even weird sex toys need proper lubrication.

Pussy Juice Vagina-Scented Lube

“EAU DE PUSSY.”

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the scent of a woman. But when you find yourself sniffing bus seats like a truffle pig, it may be time for an intervention. Or this product. We’re not here to judge. We are, however, going to need you to stop doing that in public.

“I've always thought that sex and horror belonged together.”

— Clive Barker