Members Only: The Top 7 HUGE Dildos

 

Size Matters… and We Totally Get It.

Ah, the three eternal mysteries: Is there a God? Is there life after death? And most crucially… does size really matter? Short answer: yes—but mostly in the eye of the beholder. One person’s “average” is another person’s “holy shit!” But let’s be real: some of us crave a bigger-than-life cock, and by “some of us” we mean you—which is exactly why you’re here.

Loving a hefty package doesn’t make you a porn star fanatic or a “slut” (unless you want it to). Just like some folks are into massive breasts, some of us are unapologetically into big cocks. So grab the lube and pull up the Cuck Chair- these TOP 7 HUGE DILDOS are a lot to take in.

MOBY DILDO

24 Inches of Nope.

Have you got the buns for this beef stick, Hun? Meet MOBY - (The dick, not the DJ.) Subway’s got nothin’ on this two-foot-long dong. Packing the kind of dimensions you might read about in a Class Action lawsuit, MOBY offers over 26 pounds of pure insanity. Did we mention it's phthalate-free? Because you care about your body.

Size: Overall Length – 24 Inches, Insertable Length: 21 inches, Width: 6 Inches

MOBY Dildo »

BAM Realistic Dildo

The Cuckold’s Burden.

Catering to the “Once You Go Black” stereotype, the BAM Dildo has been making cheeks clap for decades. It’s a baseball bat-sized reminder of a time when interracial porn was hidden in the kink section of the adult video store. (Racial fetishization, anyone?) And even 20 years later, this poster-child for BBC is still one of the biggest Bulls in the yard. Your cuck chair awaits.

Size: Overall Length – 13.5 Inches, Insertable Length: 9.6 inches, Width: 3 Inches

BAM Dildo »

King Cock CHUBBY

OH LAWD HE COMIN'

Offering a unique depth-to-diameter ratio, this dildo has never heard of Ozempic. So why roll with a Fatty? Because while experienced assholes can handle up to 18 inches in length, the average vagina bottoms out at a mere 5 inches. This makes Chub’s Heineken-keg dimensions useful to women who love a wall-to-wall stretch (as opposed to a cervix-battering ram.)

Size: Overall Length – 9 Inches, Insertable Length: 6.75 Inches, Width: 3 Inches

Chubby Dildo »

18" Double Dong

Twofold Terror.

Were you expecting some trite, boring line like “double your pleasure?” Well, you were absolutely correct. For DP lovers – (and we’re not referring to Dolly Parton) – a Double-Header is a great way to rearrange your guts. You can even use it to reboot that spaghetti scene from “Lady & The Tramp,” but instead of pasta, you’ll be sharing 18 inches of cock. So romantic.

Size: Overall Length – 18.11 Inches, Insertable Length: 18.11 inches, Width: 2.2 Inches

Double-Headed Dildos »

The Stuffer

Need a hand?

Sure, this fisting dildo looks like a lightweight next to the mega-monsters on our D-list, but don’t be fooled—it’s still a knuckle-deep nightmare waiting to happen. With a girth that laughs at lube and a design that means business, this “helping hand” is more likely to hand your ass right back to you. High Five, Bro.

Size: Overall Length – 8.5 Inches, Insertable Length: 7.5 Inches, Width: 2.9 Inches

Fisting Dildo »

Mr. Triple Threat

Behold, FRANKENDICK!

Here's something truly unhinged for you unrepentant Fuck Pigs: The Triple Threat is like a sex toy if it were designed by David Cronenberg. This 3-Pronged Dong has ruined more holes than an auger drill bit. With its bizarre conjoined design and icky, veiny texture, it’s a potent reminder that every day we stray further from God’s light.

Size: Overall Length – 12 Inches, Insertable Length: 11 inches, Width: 3.75 Inches

Triple Threat Dildo »

John Holmes Cock

Got WAD It Takes?

In the game of big insertions, this John Holmes Dildo is the Final Boss. A towering tribute to the man who had his penis insured for $14 million, this thing looks like an ogre’s arm. Think you’re ready for Johnny Wad? HA! PATHETIC MORTAL, YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR DOOM. PREPARE TO BE CRUSHED AS THE UNIVERSE WITHERS!

Size: Overall Length – 13.5 Inches, Insertable Length: 10 inches, Width: 3 Inches

John Holmes Dildo »

"Over the top,Ain't gonna stop,Finger licking good,You're a whole damn neighborhood."

- "Size Queen" by Sharon Needles

Sep 19th 2022 C. Pocaressi

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