The Naughty List: 12 Dirty Gift Ideas For Lazy People

Christmas is looming and you’ve got an extra special stocking to fill, care of Jolly Old St. Prick. Unfortunately, your local shopping mecca looks like a scene out of the Lord of the Flies and you just can’t seem to pull on your sweatpants and face the mayhem. Nice job. You are officially the laziest Elf on the Shelf.

Lucky for you, we’ve done the holiday heavy lifting for you with a list of 12 sexy gifts that are guaranteed to turn your Christmas Fail into Christmas Tail. Best of all, you can make the magic happen from the comfort of your keyboard. (And you won’t even have to put on sweatpants.)

FEMME FUNN BOUGIE WAND

Is your Lady more about Sunday Brunch and Louis Vuitton than fart jokes and dick pics? We offer you our condolences, and the Femme Fun Bougie Wand. Made of sleek aluminum chrome, this makes the perfect gift for Girls who put the "B"in Bougie. (You're still never getting anal.)

 MONOGAMY HOT AFFAIR GAME

If you think actual monogamy is scary, read up on Ashley Madison’s data breach and get back to us. This couples-focused board game provides over 400 steamy ideas and 50 fantasy “affairs” to keep sexual boredom (and divorce proceedings) at bay.

LIPSTICK VIBRATOR

Why? Because her lipstick can’t make her orgasm in 60 seconds and neither can you.

BODYWAND BEDSPREADER GIFT SET

Just like plants crave Brawndo, clits crave 120 volts. Bodywand’s one-and-done love kits contain their famous 120 volt vibrators, plus an assortment of hardcore romance-bait like ankle restraints and satin blindfolds if you want to get all lovey dovey.

GAIA ECO-VIBRATORSIs there anything more smug-inducing than a Hybrid car? Yes! Meet Gaia’s Eco Vibrator. Safe for the environment - (and your punani) - the Gaia Eco is the world’s first biodegradable and recyclable vibrator. Whip it out to one-up your Hipster friends during your next Vegan Potluck.

STRAP-ON HARNESS SETS

If only you could find her the perfect gift that combined her love of fashion and showing daddy who’s boss.

 If only.

REMOTE-CONTROL VIBRATORS

Want to put your control issues to work? Slip a remote-controlled vibrator in her stocking. Quiet and discreet enough to hide under clothing, these panty ninjas can be operated through remote control or smartphone for stealth-mode public play. (Dennys? The DMV?) Instructions are simple: Just push the button, you lazy bastard!

SEX FURNITURE

Want to get a bit more creative with your reindeer games? Newsflash: 2-minutes of missionary isn't turning anyone on. There are roughly 64 sexual positions in Santa's naughty list (otherwise known as the Kama Sutra) and you can explore them all with the help of SEX FURNITURE.

GLASS CANDY CANE DILDO

Ring in the holidays with 8 inches of Christmas cheer! This curiously festive glass wand will make an unforgettable impact when displayed in a Christmas stocking (or your Grandma’s china cabinet.)

PERSONAL LUBRICANT

You know what's worse than coal in your stocking? CHAFING. If you’re planning on sliding down anyone’s chimney tonight you’ll need to bring some solid lubrication.

WE-VIBE

Her sexual response is complex as a finely-tuned Stradivarius that only great musicians can master, while yours brings to mind a cymbal-banging monkey. Bridge the orgasm gap with We-Vibe. These couple-focused toys can make shared orgasms easier - plus they're alot less scratchy than mistletoe.  

SEX MACHINE

Are you considering buying a piece of outrageously expensive home equipment for your significant other? A word of advice: Pelotons are for people who miss Skymall. Fuck Machines are for closers. With the ability to churn out up to 200 James Brown-level thrusts per minute, these machines will take your lover to Pound Town faster than a one-horse open sleigh.  

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!