#1. Zalo Unicorn Set

“For the Pillow Princess Who’s Never, Ever Giving You Anal”

She’s more Sunday brunch and soft-launch handbags than beer and memes. You wanted a “high-value woman,” and now you’re scared to even say the word anal out loud in case she leaves you for a hedge fund. This is the lane you chose, King.

The Zalo Unicorn Set is the only sex toy bougie women will tolerate — a sculpted silicone clitoral vibe with interchangeable heads and “I’m better than you” aesthetics. It looks like luxury skincare, feels like a designer orgasm, and politely reminds you that she’s not buying you a gift, but she’ll accept this one.

Product Spotlight
A luxe, pastel, unicorn-themed pleasure set with suction-style clitoral stimulation, multiple attachments, and packaging tailored to the woman who thinks “acts of service” means buying her things she can brag about on Instagram

Price: $169
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#2. Monogamy: A Hot Affair Game

“Because Your Relationship Needs Plot Twists, Not Just PJs and Netflix”

If you think actual monogamy is scary, go read about the Ashley Madison data breach and get back to us. Emotional affairs, quiet resentment, dead-bedroom energy — it’s all fun and games until somebody Googles your browser history.

The Monogamy Game gives you a slightly less catastrophic option: over 400 spicy prompts and 50 fantasy “affairs” you’re actually allowed to have—with each other. It’s like couples therapy, except horny and way cheaper than a divorce.

Product Spotlight
A best-selling couples board game packed with conversation starters, dares, fantasies, and make-out missions designed to turn “We should do something different” into “Okay, that was actually insane.” Also available en Español if your dirty talk sounds better with rolled R’s.

Price: $39
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#3. ROMP Pleasure Air Lipstick

“Because Her Actual Lipstick Can’t Make Her Come in Under Two Minutes — and Neither Can You”

They know her first name at Sephora. Her makeup already occupies half the bathroom counter and is actively colonizing the other half. Are you seriously about to buy her another cosmetic?
Yes. Absolutely..

The ROMP Pleasure Air Lipstick is a clit-sucking, travel-sized panic button disguised as makeup. She can toss it in her purse, keep it in her makeup bag, and pretend she’s “touching up” while actually fixing the situation you started and did not finish.

Product Spotlight
A discreet, air-pulse clitoral vibrator in a lipstick-style tube with multiple intensity levels, rechargeable design, and “I’m just going to the bathroom for a sec” energy.

Price: $60
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#4. Sex & Mischief Sweet Punishment Kink Kit

“Romance-Bait for Men Who Secretly Want Kink but Bought a Satin Starter Pack Instead”

If you’ve ever wondered why these “romantic” kits are wrapped in satin and marketed with words like "tender", it’s because this is how the industry disguises beginner kink as something dainty and respectable. You’re not fooling anyone. Least of all her.

The Sweet Punishment Kink Kit gives you just enough cuffs, paddling, and blindfold action to convince her this is all very tasteful and not at all “I watched one BDSM tutorial and panicked.” It’s entry-level kink in a soft-focus filter — perfect for men who want to dip a toe in without admitting they’re horny for rope tutorials.

Product Spotlight
A beginner bondage bundle with a satin blindfold, fuzzy handcuffs, XOXO paddle, and D/s contract — basically, “Fifty Shades, but make it actually usable.” Great for curious couples who want a starter kit that looks romantic but hits just kinky enough.

Price: $40
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#5. Blush Gaia Eco Vibrator

“For the Eco-Babe Who Brings Her Own Tote and Still Deserves a Good Dicking”

She recycles, composts, brings metal straws to restaurants, and side-eyes your Amazon habit. The least you can do is make sure her orgasms aren’t headed straight to the landfill.

The Gaia Eco Vibrator is the world’s first biodegradable vibrator — plant-based, body-safe, and smug in all the right ways. More fun than a drum circle and a full tab of acid (okay, maybe not), but it won’t leave you stranded in the woods talking to a tree about your childhood.

Product Spotlight
A slim, firm, classic-style vibe made from BioFeel bioplastic, delivering strong, focused vibration for internal or external play. Compatible with all her favorite lubes and ideal for beginners, minimalists, and people who say “late-stage capitalism” a lot but still want to come.

Price: $16
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#6. ROMP Piccolo Pegging Kit

“If Only There Were a Gift That Combined Her Love of Fashion and Showing Daddy Who’s Boss… Oh Look.”

You’ve tried buying her jewelry, candles, Pilates socks — nothing lights her up like the opportunity to absolutely ruin you while wearing something cute. Deep down, you know the truth: your girlfriend doesn’t want a gift. She wants to take your backdoor virginity and brag about it in the group chat.

The ROMP Piccolo Pegging Kit is perfect for any man who keeps telling his girlfriend that anal is “super easy.” Great news, Champ — now you get to prove it.

Product Spotlight
A beginner-friendly pegging set with a slim silicone dildo, adjustable harness, and Vac-U-Lock compatibility so she can upgrade sizes as her confidence — and your courage — grows.

Price: $52
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#7. Lovense Ferri Panty Vibe

“For Men Who Want Control but Can’t Even Manage Their Own Google Calendar”

Want to put your control issues to work? Slip a remote vibe in her stocking. The Lovense Ferri is so quiet and discreet she can wear it anywhere — brunch, Target, Denny’s, the DMV — while you sit there with your phone, feeling like the horny puppet master you were always meant to be.

And because it’s Lovense, this thing has RANGE. Majestic, irresponsible, “why is she breathing like that in the produce aisle?” range. These little pussy ninjas are not here to play.

Product Spotlight
A magnetic panty vibrator with deep rumbly vibration, app control, long-distance features, and custom patterns. Perfect for public play, long-distance torment, and partners who think self-control is overrated.

Price: $125
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#8. Sportsheets Pivot Positioner Plus

“Because She’s Tired of Doing Pilates While You Do the Bare Minimum”

Please take a long, hard look at this product photo. This isn’t sex — this is Cinemax After Dark, where nobody’s sweating, everyone has perfect hair, and the soundtrack is 94% saxophone.

It’s giving “This couple just bought matching robes on a cruise.” It’s giving “She runs a mommy blog, he sells insurance, and they’re ‘trying something new’ after the kids go to bed.” It’s giving live laugh lube. If your real sex looks even 1% like this? Congrats — you’re in a simulation.

That’s why the Pivot Positioner Plus exists: to make real, messy, mortal-people sex feel infinitely better, even if it never looks this staged.

Product Spotlight
A high-density sex wedge that boosts stamina, angles, and access without her needing to support her entire body weight like she’s auditioning for Cirque du Soleil. Great for height differences, bad backs, mobility needs, and any man whose idea of “trying a new position” is shifting twelve degrees to the left.

Price: $219
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#9. GlasToys Candy Cane Swirl Dildo

“The Most Wonderful Time to Get Stuffed”

The most elegant Christmas fuck-stick ever blown in a glass studio. This curiously festive wand delivers almost 8 inches of yuletide joy with a raised red spiral that feels as good as it looks. Slip it into a stocking for shock value, or display it on the mantle to give Grandma one last holiday mystery to solve.

Product Spotlight
A beautifully crafted borosilicate glass dildo with candy cane texturing, a gentle curve, and temperature-play potential. Classy, sassy, and aggressively seasonal.

Price: $34
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#10. Pjur INFINITY Aqua Water-Based Lubricant

“Smoother Than Your Holiday Lies”

You know what’s worse than coal in your stocking? Chafing. If you’re planning to slide down somebody’s chimney tonight, bring real lubrication. (Not even Santa spits in his hand.) INFINITY is silky, long-lasting, and gentle enough for sensitive bits — which is more than we can say about your personality during the holidays.

Product Spotlight
A luxury, medical-grade water-based lubricant that stays slick without getting sticky, plays nicely with toys and condoms, and comes in a nightstand-ready glass bottle that looks like skincare for your genitals.

Price: $32
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#11. We-Vibe Sync O

“Because It’s Time to Admit This Job Needs Powered Assistance”

Her sexual response is as complex as a finely-tuned Stradivarius, while yours brings to mind a cymbal-banging monkey.

Enter the We-Vibe Sync O — the vibrating wingman your relationship has been silently begging for. This couples vibe slips in during penetrative sex, giving her targeted clitoral AND G-spot action while you contribute… well, whatever it is you contribute. The result? Shared orgasms that feel intentional instead of “wow, that was lucky.”

Product Spotlight
An adjustable, app-controlled U-shaped couples vibe that stays in place during penetration, delivers deep rumbly stimulation, works long-distance if needed, and gives her the kind of consistency no mortal man can achieve with flesh and hope alone.

Price: $145
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#12. Lovense Mini Sex Machine

“Because Your Bedroom Needs Horsepower, Not Hope”

Are you considering buying a piece of outrageously expensive home equipment for your significant other? A word of advice: Pelotons are for people who miss SkyMall. Fuck machines are for closers.

With the ability to churn out up to 200 James Brown–level thrusts per minute, this compact little overachiever turns “holiday spirit” into a full-body event. Lightweight, wild, and AC-powered, the Lovense Mini is the kind of gift that says: “We’re skipping straight to the bumpy sleigh ride.”

Product Spotlight
A portable, Vac-U-Lock–compatible thrusting machine that delivers up to 260 strokes per minute, syncs with the Lovense app, works with music, and weighs just 7 pounds.

Price: $399
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And to all a good night.